I couldn't wait for success -- so I went ahead without it.
Jonathan Winters

My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class of women.
Woody Allen

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
George Carlin

After two days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.
W.C. Fields

I was called "Rembrandt" Hope in my boxing days because I spent so much time on the canvas.
Bob Hope

Money is the root of all evil, but the foliage is fascinating.
Val Peters

If I'd known I was gonna live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself.
Eubie Blake (at age 100)

I am different from Washington; I have a higher, grander standard of principle. Washington could not lie. I can lie, but I won't.
Mark Twain

If at first you don't succeed; you are running about average.
M.H. Alderson

Holy Kleenex, Batman! It was right under our nose and we blew it!
Robin (Batman)

I can resist everything except temptation.
Oscar Wilde

Deep down, I'm pretty superficial.
Ava Gardner

Consequences, Schmonsequences -- as long as I'm rich.
Daffy Duck

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
Jack Benny

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
Samuel Goldwyn

Life is just a bowl of pits.
Rodney Dangerfield

There is a thin line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
Oscar Levant

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
Groucho Marx

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
Mae West